Everything's changing.....

.............but it is long long overdue.

Howdy to all of  my lovely readers :-) WOW!  Have I got news for you!  Grab a cuppa and something yummy, this is going to be long :-)

It has been very busy 8 weeks in the Hamster wheel. To start at the very beginning I would need to start with this post  , on hindsight, that was really the "beginning of the end". I can honestly say that the last 2 months have been the most challenging of my entire life. I have been pulled in so many directions I was close to breaking point.

As you all know I work as a childminder, this joe had allowed me to work from home for almost exactly 3 years (I opened on 2nd July 2009) I have have spent precious time with my children and managed to see K through to the end of Primary one and I am so grateful for that.

I have loved my job so very much. I have had the pleasure of welcoming so many sweet children (and families) into my life and family and it has been such a pleasure. We have had so so much fun.

But, in recent weeks/month my enthusiasm has been waning somewhat. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly when, but I have been a little unsettled since around Christmas time. I have been becoming increasingly lonely and that's a tough place to be when you work "alone." The parents at the nursery and toddler groups, I attend with the wee ones, are not so welcoming. It has something to do with the area we live in I believe, but also just people in general. It is hard to put yourself "out there" and be snubbed time and again. I have felt my confidence dip lower and lower.

Eight weeks ago I took on a new child. This meant I had new drop off and collection times, she attends ballet so I was to drop her there once a week. The very first week I was dropping her off, I saw these two mummies dropping off their children. They walked off chatting and laughing, pushing their younger children in buggies. I came home and just cried and cried, it feels like forever since I had a friend to walk with. I called Murray and told him of how I would love nothing more than to go for a coffee with these lovely Mum's. I am just aching for that ease of friendship. Don't get me wrong, I have very good and very dear friends, but they all work during the day so we socialise in the evenings. I just don't have "that friend" anymore, who I can call in the summer to go for a picnic or who can call in for an inpromptu coffee on a tough morning.

It was all beginning to come to a head and I could feel myself falling apart. 

Ironically, these lovely mummies have begun to invite me to some groups, some bake sales, or just chatting to me. I am mortified to admit I found I have nothing to say! It was glaringly apparent to me that I had spent so long on the edges, I could no longer even hold an adult conversation with "strangers". This is just not like me.  I wish I had met them last year at this time, before I had lost my confidence.

My work had become increasingly challenging and I could feel myself growing more and more anxious.
The guilt I have felt , over how this all has to be affecting my family, has been overwhelming. I have been short tempered, unimaginative and I haven't been "present" in such a long long time. Being overwhelmed by my work has just sent my head into a spin and my brain is constantly shooting off into a million directions.  It has eaten away at my patience and there is little left for my family at the end of each day.


2 weeks ago I received news that 2 siblings I cared for would be coming to me no longer. Their wonderful Mummy was giving up at work and they would get to stay home.
I had lost my constant. The one child who I have had since I opened. She is due to start school in August and so the ending of our contract was just brought slightly closer.
Another child is starting full time school in august.
Another starts playgroup and will halve his time here.
 I would have to start over. I have had many many enquiries over recent weeks, I was sure I could just about make it work, it would be a scramble and a juggling act, but I could almost make it work.

I could feel my control on my life ebbing away.

On Sunday I accepted another two children and decided to try to make everyone fit and give them the days they wanted.

On Sunday night I broke.

I felt physically sick at the thought of starting over, settling all of the new children in. Trying to make conversation with new parents at the toddler groups. Everyone else oves on with their children yet I was stuck in groundhog day. I was desperate for a change. But I just couldn't see a way out.

On Monday morning I went about my business as usual and then my mum called. The dam broke and I just fell apart, I sobbed and told her that something needed to change. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.  I wanted to give up my job and do something else - Anything else! I would stack shelves in a supermarket, if it meant I could be me again. If I could give my children the me that they deserved, not the cranky, depressed shell I had become.

Then and there I decided it wasn't worth it. I did this job to benefit my family and it was clear it was no longer working. I would look for something new. The relief I felt after making this final decision was immeasurable.  My Mum and I went to St Andrews in the afternoon to see if there was any part time work available.

There was.

My fabulous and supportive husband wrote a lovely CV for me. I have no great academic achievements but I have a wealth of experience. He made me shine in that CV and I am so grateful to him. He toldme that the CV wasn;t so important. He reassured me that it only had to get me in the door and that he thought my personality is what would get me a job. Am I a lucky lady or what?
I was beginning to think of life beyond childminding, we could get a smaller, more economical car. I could get a job where I could walk out and leave the job there. I could get rid of all the baby/toddler equipment from my home. I could regain control of my environment and use all of that toy storage space for the benefit of my family.

I was growing hopeful.

On Tuesday morning I handed out my CVs, I was receiving some mixed responses, but I didn't mind. I was out there, smiling, chatting to adults, trying to dig enough of my old self out so I could convince these people I was worth a shot.
In one gorgeous little boutique, they were looking for someone to work part time. I was chatting to the shop assistant and she was lovely. She informed me that the owner was coming through that very day to conduct interviews, would I be interested in an interview?! I beamed at her and said of course! I would love to.

And I did. And it went very very well! The owner told me  she would love to have someone like me work with her team. Someone who could bring their personality to work. Tuesday was a great day.

On Wednesday I called a garage to enquire about a car, I forced myself to write a resignation letter to the parents and I shed many many tears.  I HAD to decide on a date to finish or I could not give potential employers a starting date.
Looking into the faces of the little ones I mind for was very sad. I will miss them all so very much, I love them. But it is clear to me that it is time to move on. The families took the news well and all expressed how much they will miss me. They have all offered to help me with childcare if I need it , offering to collect K from school if I am working. How kind and loving of them. How blessed I am to have had the pleasure of working with these people.

On Thursday I got a call to officially offer me the job. I accepted and I could not have asked for better. I will get to spend 20 hours a week in an adorable shabby chic boutique.
On Thursday I dropped little R off at ballet and those sweet mum's invited me for coffee, unfortunately I couldn't accept due to a timing conflict with work. But I just wanted to cry and then hug them and say thank you :-) hopefully I can come for coffee, very very soon.

On Friday I was doing my last nursery drop off with R , I asked those mum's if they would be interested in meeting up in the summer and they both said yes, I was even brave enough to offer them my phone number. I am looking forward to getting to know them better and perhaps eventually I can tell them the story of the role they played in me getting my life back. I am hopeful we can become friends, they even like to bake and be crafty!

I can already feel myself beginning to emerge.

Yesterday (Saturday) my Dad and I took a small road trip. We were off to view a car, one that will save us a small fortune in running costs each year. It will meet the need of our family. OUR FAMILY. The children that are mine deserve a car that is tailored to them. To us.
We bring our new car home on Wednesday, we will say goodbye to our beloved "destroyer". The car that made us all feel safe after the incident with our old car , the four wheel drive allowed me to keep our family safe through the snowiest winter of my life. It is even providing for us in our parting. We will always love you, you big hunk of luxury metal!!

Last night we went to spend the evening with our old next door neighbours. We left the house just after K's bedtime and it felt like I was stepping out into the sunshine. It was a beautiful evening and I felt relaxed and happy and at peace. As we neared the top of our road this is the sight that greeted us

I was taken aback by the beauty of it .

And the beauty of the fact that I was calm and relaxed enough to notice it, I was no longer rushing and going nowhere.

It feels like a fresh start.

And that brings us back to Sunday. It has been an unbelievable week. I just cannot believe what has transpired. We now only have 3.5 days of school and 3 days of work for me and then we are all off together for 2 weeks. I cannot stress how good it feels to know our summer is beginning and edging us closer to the exciting changes coming in August.

I know there will be new challenges to face, our girl is already struggling with the thought of Mummy going out to work. But I know this is the best thing for us right now, when I am here I get to be here, with them. Our home will once again only be our home.
We can bake, craft , ride bikes and just relax. Together.

I can't stop smiling and I can feel "me" beginning to return with each smile :-) xx