We have had a lovely weekend though, filled with lots of family time and fun moments.
However, this afternoon was filled with those horrible moments that you often have with kids. Those moments that start off with something silly, like a futon bed and silly little lie and just build into an argument and what you hope will become a life lesson. I know these moments are there, these little lessons tucked into the patchwork of childhood. But I don't like them. These moments throw me and make me feel sad and uneasy. I look back at how I handled it and I feel inadequate somehow, even though I know I did my best to explain things out. know I always act out of love and with the best will in the world for my babies.
Life is so easy when they are babies huh? It's all black and white. They need fed, changed and loved. That's all they need to make them happy. As they grow older they become so much more complex and I am always always learning.
And So, that brings us to tonight. I have a bit of a heavy heart. The last week has brought about some changes for me and I feel it weighing heavily tonight.
If I had known last weekend what I know now, well I don't know what I would have done differently really. I guess I would have tied up a lot of loose ends and a lot of sewing and housework!!
I took on a new little one to mind for. It is going to make life hectic - but only for about 9 weeks as one of the others is only here during term time. This new little one will tide me through the 6 weeks of school holidays where I was worried I would have next to no income! I am grateful for sure!
But, would you believe that the day after we made this agreement we got news that the mum of one of my other littles is going to have to go back to work temporarily. The woman employed to cover her maternity leave has left her high and dry. The up shot is that I am going to get lots of snuggly time with a teeny weeny 7 week old precious boy! The down side is that if I had known I woud never taken on the other little one and I wasn't prepared for the guilt that would come along with those snuggles! I feel awful knowing that I am getting those moments , not his mum, but rationally I know it is not my fault, I am helping her the only way I can. But the guilt is still there.
I am grateful for them all and I know I can rise to the challenge of caring for all these wee ones, but I am ever so anxious tonight. I am anxious for the coming week and all of the juggling and balancing it will entail, as I find my feet. I am more than a little sad to lose the 1.5 hours a day that I get to myself. This is all that keeps me sane some weeks! This is sometimes the only creative or crafty time I get too. Goodness knows what is going to happen now, I guess I am about to find out!! I will have to carve out some moments somewhere else, who needs to sleep anyway.............
Add to that the fact that I have two kiddos of my own who need me, need to be fed, need clean clothes and a mummy who's brain isn't having to shoot off into a hundred different directions at the same time. They need to play and have a home that is the same in spite of the extra bodies that will be running through it and I can feel the pressure stacking up.
Add on top a helping of an upcoming craft fair and a list of orders for my polka dot world, that is growing by the day and you can see me begin to bend beneath the pressure.
I only have two hands and that is a lot of balls to juggle! Why is it that the parts that I love the most are going to be the ones I have to give up?
I think it is going to be a mammoth week.
So what am I doing tonight?
I am hiding. I am doing my world famous ostrich impression. I am snuggled on the couch under my favourite quilt, watching murder she wrote and writing it all out on a nice blank page.
In a wee while I will write out a list of things that need done this week, prioritise what is most pressing and what will make my life easier..
Then I will make a list of the things that I can "drop"Things that can wait or be carried over to the next week
I will pack my girly's lunch and have it all ready for the off tomorrow morning.
I will make sure I make plans to relax this week too as I need to be able to have patience for my own kids and all of the babies who are coming through this week.
I will convince myself that I will do it because I always do. I always mange. If there is one thing in life that I can say I am it is a coper.
I know I must make sure that of all the balls that will drop this week, because I have no doubt that some will, they will not be the ones that are vital to my family :-) that's about all I can hope for. I don't like to be the kind of person that puts work before the pleasures in life. I very much believe in working to live and not living to work, I think that is what is making me the most anxious tonight. The thought of stretching myself too thin.
But the reality is that I can't afford to turn down this extra work, it will mean we can eat and live and even have fun during the summer. I have no choice. Unless I win the lottery of course, there is always that dream.........
Sometimes - I guess it isn't as easy as others.
For this I love my hubby and my crazy crazy babies - they can always make me smile :-) I hope I smile lots this week
I hope they can remind me of what it is that I love the most.
THIS is how I want to live my week - I hope I will have busy, full hands and a very very full heart :-)
I am so grateful for this space where I can come and have a brain dump. I feel so much more positive now and ready to tackle my list :-) and who knows, it may all be easier than I think! You never know right?
And if all else fails? I will breathe and love deeply, it usually gets me through even the toughest of times xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment