Crying in the nighttime

Tonight I am laying in bed. Thinking.
Summer must be coming to an end. I can no longer stop my mind from turning to the school year beginning and the changes that this will bring. I can't seem to stop the huge tears that are rolling down my cheeks. 

Letting go is so very hard. In the next few weeks i have a lot of this to do. Gearing my babies up to take the big steps into the next chapters of their lives.

Filling them up with my love and assurance. Hoping they can tap into these reserves when they are feeling alone and unsure.

Hoping to bank up every hug , every I love you, every word of encouragement. Will they feel it when they need to? Will they know I am right here waiting for them to come home, to me?

Buying school supplies to tuck into their bags. Smart new clothes for the first day at school. Taking kirsten to choose special nursery shoes to keep in her new peppa pig bag that will hang on her very own peg. Wishing I could weave a little of myself into these things that will be with them when I can't be there.

My children are individuals. They are creative and funny and smart.

I want them to remember who they are, always. I can only hope that they can hold on to themselves when others try to chip away at it. To have the confidence to be exactly who they want to be, even when they are under pressure to change.

From the moment Fraser was born he shone. He was everyone's baby, ready with a smile and a cuddle for anyone he came into contact with.

From the time that he could walk and talk, he performed. Many a day / evening was spent with us applauding his many and very extravagant entrances and performances.

Always ready with a song, a joke or a dance. Fraser has always craved a stage and lives for an audience.

His love for costumes and characters is legendary. When he was 3 he was asked to be Santa in his playgroup Christmas show. He absorbed himself so completely in his "role" , he wore that Santa suit for 3 months straight!

My sister and I have always joked that we were destined to spend our nights and weekends, sitting in the wings , sewing sequins.

Kirsten was different. From the moment she was born she was my baby. A mummies girl through and through. Which is , if I am honest, the relationship I have dreamed of having, with the daughter I have dreamed of having my whole life.

She is about to step out into her own branch of creativity, she is breathlessly counting down the days to her very first ballet class. Her confidence is different to her brother. She has a quiet strength and determination. But the confidence us there along with a slight shyness. 

Fraser is about to take a huge defining step. The friends he will make in the next few weeks could mould and define his future, at least for the next 6 years.

Never before have I  felt so torn. I want him to fit in so badly , yet I want him to stand out. I want him to shine in the special and fabulous way that only he can.

I get stopped in the street to be told how wonderful my son is. How talented , funny , generous, helpful and polite he is. I am so proud I could just burst.

Please let him understand that this is what it's all about. It is better to be known for these qualities , than to be an undistinguishable face amongst any "in crowd"

How can I protect them ?  How can I keep them safe? How can I do this but at the same time do what I must do and let them go???

I don't know,

What I do know ,is that I will always be right here, in the wings, quietly but proudly sewing on those sequins and whispering love and encouragement along the way. No matter what.